THE SAND. (2015) DIRECTED BY ISAAC GABAEFF. STARRING BROOKE BUTLER, CYNTHIA MURELL, MEAGAN HOLDER, DEAN GEYER, CLEO BERRY, MITCHEL MUSSO AND JAMIE KENNEDY. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
Aw, this is an absolute cracker of a horror comedy film and it really cheered me up one night this week when I needed it. I'm not entirely sure if the writers intended the film to be a comedy as well as a horror, so profuse apologies to them if I'm out of order by terming it thus, haha, but it really is a good giggle and an all-round most entertaining watch.
It's set entirely on a gorgeous American beach during that notorious fortnight of the transatlantic calendar known to the civilised world as Spring Break. You know, when horny college co-eds are set free from the confines of studying and exams and instead they're pictured on MTV, partying madly on the beach? Yeah, chugging-a-lug to beat the band and whipping off their bikini tops to expose their pert, toned and tanned goodies and, hey man, that's just the dudes...!
Anyway, here's what happens. There's this bunch of horny young 'uns enjoying their Spring Break on the beach. They're all getting pissed and getting nekkid and getting laid on the night in question. They're having a freakin' marvellous time. I wish we had Spring Break over here in Ireland. We can certainly do the boozing, as you guys might have heard, but we're not so hot on exposing our white-as-milk wobbly bits, they ain't so pretty...!
The horny co-eds wake up the next morning as hungover as f**k. I mean, this is the Mammy and Daddy of all flippin' hangovers. Their mouths resemble the bottom of the birdcage and they've nearly all shagged someone they wouldn't normally touch with someone else's genitals. Tsk, tsk. Silly horny teens...!
Basically, this is your classic Morning After The Night Before with knobs on, heh-heh-heh. As my own wild days are more or less behind me now and I've given up drinking to excess and waking up with unsuitable men, I always enjoy watching other people suffering terrible hangovers.
It gives me a lovely smug sort of pious feeling, if you know what I mean. Well, come on, who doesn't get a kick out of feeling superior to their fellow human beings? There's no-one so all-fired insufferable and holier-than-thou as a reformed wild child...!
This particular morning, however, to get back to the fillum, as we call the talking pictures here in the Emerald Isle, the horny teens have more to worry about than slaking their all-consuming thirst and rushing to the nearest pharmacy to knock back the morning-after pill. Oh yeah, those skanks really put themselves around last night...! But now, there's something evil in the titular sand...
That's right, literally overnight their idyllic little stretch of golden beach has become home to an enormous alien creature from God-knows-where. It's burrowed underneath the sand and dug itself in nice and deep. Not only that, but anyone foolish enough to step on the sand will find that hideous tentacles have latched tightly onto them and are pulling them down beneath the surface of the earth, where they will be horribly eaten. Well, is there any other way to be eaten, haha...! I can't imagine that it would be too pleasant under any circumstances.
As a matter of fact, half the co-eds have already been eaten in the night because they were passed out on the sand and the hungry creature simply helped himself to the free beach buffet. You can hardly blame him, I suppose. The only peeps who survived the night were a small handful who kipped in a car, a small beach-hut and a barrel respectively.
Yes, a barrel. Gilbert, the Man-In-A-Can, is the funniest and best character in the film next to Beach Patrol Alex. Alex is hilarious and his dialogue is comic genius. I laughed the hardest at his bit.
The terrified young folk, sunburned and dying of thirst, think that Beach Patrol Alex will be their salvation. Instead, he doesn't believe a word they're frantically babbling about alien tentacles in the sand and he accuses the lot of them of being whacked out of their gourds on drugs.
He thinks they're all as high as freakin' kites on something called 'Molly.' That's clearly a slang word for some drug or other. His disgusted comments on the subject of 'pus' are just so funny as well. It's great comic writing. Kudos, writers. Kudos.
The bikini-clad 'Skanks,' as I called them, are brilliant too as they squabble over Jonah, the group's one surviving hunk, even as the alien creature beneath their perfect little golden tootsies is busy planning how best to have 'em for dinner.
Typical skanks and their arse-about-face prioritising. Always thinking about how to get their manicured talons into some bloke, never mind that a creature from outer space or somewhere is equally keen to get its claws into them. Ah well. They'll get theirs. Or will they? Can a bunch of brainless skanks really outwit a many-tentacled monster? Frankly, my money's on the flippin' monster...!
By the way, my little horror buddies, ICON FILM DISTRIBUTION and FRIGHTFEST PRESENTS are releasing this little gem on DVD on April 25th 2016, and if I were you I'd avail of this terrific opportunity first chance you get.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
You can contact Sandra at:
http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com
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