17 May 2016

THE HAMILTONS/THE THOMPSONS: A BLOODTHIRSTY DOUBLE REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.


THE HAMILTONS/THE THOMPSONS: A BLOODSUCKING DUO OF MOVIE REVIEWS BY SANDRA HARRIS.

THE HAMILTONS. (2006) DIRECTED BY THE BUTCHER BROTHERS. STARRING CORY KNAUF, SAMUEL CHILD, JOSEPH MCELHEER AND MACKENZIE FIRGENS. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

THE THOMPSONS. (2012) DIRECTED BY THE BUTCHER BROTHERS. STARRING CORY KNAUF, SAMUEL CHILD, JOSEPH MCELHEER, MACKENZIE FIRGENS, RYAN HARTWIG, DANIEL O'MEARA, SELENA GILES AND ELIZABETH HENSTRIDGE.

I wouldn't say that this pair of related horror movies is the best pair of related horror movies I've ever seen in my life, but they're pretty damned entertaining nonetheless. Furthermore, they work really well together when you see them back-to-back, as I did recently one rather dreary Monday night.

If I'd watched THE HAMILTONS without seeing THE THOMPSONS, I'd have been all like: 'Well, that was kind of lame!' If I'd seen THE THOMPSONS without having watched THE HAMILTONS first, I'd have been all like: 'What the bloody hell was that...?' Having watched the original immediately followed by the sequel, however, I felt like I'd had a thoroughly enjoyable night. Each film totally makes sense of the other, if you know what I mean.

The Hamiltons are an average American family. Not...! They're actually a family of messed-up freaks with a terrible secret nestling at their collective bosom. Continuing with the 'bosom' analogy for a moment if I may, this deadly secret is ready to strike at any time, much like Cleopatra's asp. Didn't Cleopatra have a lovely asp...? I've always thought so, anyway.

Even though I can't tell you what their secret is (I might have hinted at it a bit in my titles...!), I can tell you a bit about the dysfunctional members of this screwed-up family. David, the eldest Hamilton and the one responsible for keeping the family together since the death of the Hamilton parents, is clearly channelling his inner John Wayne Gacy as he fills the crawl-space under the house with the corpses of transient males he's picked up. He also has very weird hair. 

Wendell and Darlene are the twins. They'll have sex with anything that moves, including each other. Especially each other. They're total sluts. It's disgraceful, the carry-on of them. In this day-and-age as well...!

Dopey, mopey teenager Francis is the narrator of the story. He basically mopes around the house in typical teenager fashion, missing his dead parents, trying to reach out to his singularly obtuse social worker and occasionally feeding McDonalds' hamburgers to the girls hanging from hooks out in the shed. There's definitely an advertising slogan in there somewhere. I'll leave you guys to experiment. See what you can come up with.

Wait a minute, though. Back up just a cotton-pickin' minute here. Girls hanging from hooks out in the shed...? Oh yes, did I mention that the family had a terrible secret? Well, the girls are a part of that secret, but don't worry, folks. They're the fast-and-loose kind that accept lifts from strangers and have sex with Wendells they've only just met, so it's all good...!

Oh, and I nearly forgot. The Hamiltons are keeping someone (or something!) called 'Lenny' locked up in a cage in the shed as well. Lenny doesn't speak at all. Lenny makes a sort of growling noise. Lenny eats anything that comes near him (or her or it). Sometimes, Lenny eats people. That's how we know that Lenny's mad. Bad. And probably quite dangerous to know as well.

Any-hoo, when their sleepy little American town becomes too hot to hold 'em on account of their no-longer-secret antisocial activities, the Hamiltons high-tail it to Blighty under their new name of the Thompsons. I guess you can see now why the sequel was called THE THOMPSONS...!

Remember when the Simpson family (from THE SIMPSONS!) relocated to Terror Lake as part of the Witness Relocation Programme to get Bart away from Sideshow Bob? They were called the Thompsons for a brief period, too. THE THOMPSONS...! I hope you just sang that to the tune of the theme music because I certainly did, haha.

Anyway, The Family Formerly Known As The Hamiltons have a high old time in England. They meet another family of... Oops, nearly gave the game away just then! Let's just say that they meet a very similar family to themselves and they have a jolly nice time comparing the American way of doing certain 'things' with the British way of doing certain 'things' over nice cups of tea in delighful bone-china cups with slices of lemon.

Meanwhile Lenny, whoever/whatever he, she or it has turned out to be, is all grown-up and pulling his/her/its weight as a fully-paid-up member of the Hamilton-Thompsons. Such a splendid double-barrelled name. Me with only my one name, I'm actually quite envious. Quite, quite envious. Or as the Queen herself would say: 'Quayte...!'

Oh, and there's a rather naughty gang-rape perpetrated by the Kray Twins and Viggo Mortensen's Slightly Older Brother while Keira Knightley's understudy ponces about being very, very annoying, which is why she's so damned good at being Keira Knightley's understudy. Capiche? No? Well, that's because I'm spoofing you big-time about some things, my dear readers, but which things? You'll have to watch the film to find out. Cue evil laugh...

Just to say, by the way, that there probably would have been a bit more mileage in this franchise if the film-makers had decided to make a couple more of these films. We could have had THE WILSONS, say, or THE TREBOR-MINTES or THE TAYTO-KRISPES or THE FOTHERINGAYE-HETHERINGTONS or THE SMINKY-PINKYS. Just about any name you can think of, basically.

Me personally, I'd have watched any of these. I think they all sound terrific. Alas, however, we only have these two films for now. Just be thankful for small mercies...!

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

 You can contact Sandra at:


http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com





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