18 February 2017



Jesus, Mary and Joseph...! Oral sex, female-to-male, female-to-female and male-to-female. Especially male-to-female. Full frontal nudity. Real, apparently unsimulated sex, and in every conceivable (snigger!) position. Threesomes and lesbian sex. Pubes. Big hairy pubes. And... you might want to be sitting down for this bit... fully erect willies. With stuff coming out of them. You know what stuff I mean.

And all this in an Irish cinema. At lunchtime on a Saturday afternoon just a few short weeks before Christmas. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, is the world coming to an end or what? Nope, it's just Gaspar Noé's controversial film, the hilariously, wickedly brilliant LOVE. I nearly choked on my winegums...

This film is essentially about a Dick. I call it Murphy's Dick, because it's attached to a guy called Murphy, see? Murphy is a good-looking young American guy. He's studying film in Paris, the most romantic city in the world. He has notions of one day being the new Stanley Kubrick. The chances of this are slim, and here's why.

He spends his days taking so-called recreational drugs and putting Murphy's Dick into Electra, a gorgeous French art student with a chequered past and Daddy-slash-abandonment issues. A recipe for disaster, perhaps...? You got that right.

The film opens on a shot of Murphy's Dick, fully erect and ready for action. We see Murphy and Electra engaged in what I believe is known as- ahem- mutual masturbation. We saw everything, and I do mean everything. We saw Murphy's Dick getting harder and harder and then we saw stuff actually coming out of it.

The whole time, Murphy was fiddling with- ahem again- Electra's Hairy Lady-Bits. I nearly died of shock. It's not that I've never seen sex in a movie before. I've just never seen it in the cinema. And there was an elderly couple sitting behind me and everything. I was worried about the possibility of one of them dropping dead of a stroke or something. 

But then the old lady part of the couple told a man who was there on his own and who was loudly rustling sweet-wrappers: 'Could you please be quiet, we're trying to watch the fucking film...!' so I knew that they were probably going to be okay with it.

Any-hoo, Murphy, with the full consent and co-operation of Electra, puts Murphy's Dick in a girl called Omi. Behind Electra's back, though, Murphy and Omi continue to knock boots. When Omi gets pregnant, Murphy is devastated. When Electra leaves him and he has to man up and take care of Omi and the baby, he's even more gutted. He spends the rest of the movie crying like a girl about what he sees as Electra's unfair defection.

We're taken back in time and shown how the relationship between Murphy's Dick and Electra's Hairy Lady-Bits starts off well but quickly turns toxic. With Electra's encouragement, Murphy puts Murphy's Dick into other women like it's going out of fashion. The scenes in the sex-club and with the big transvestite spring immediately to mind. Murphy and Electra have sex non-stop. When they occasionally come up for air, they fight like cat-and-dog.

I've always wanted to have that kind of über-passionate relationship with a guy. You know, where you scream at them in angry French one minute when you're pissed-off with them but then the next minute you're back, well, screwing them like crazy. No, I'm not French at all, but French is just such a sexy language to tell someone to f**k off in, isn't it? I totally wish I knew how to speak it.

The music is fantastic and fits the shenanigans perfectly. Rain falls constantly too and the sound is mesmerising. I'm definitely going back to watch this utterly brilliant film again, but this time I'm watching it in 3D. Yes, there's an option for doing that. I want to see the you-know-what coming out of Murphy's Dick in 3D just to see what it's like. But I'm not going back just for that. Me not perv.

In his unforgettable slice of cinematic pornography, the director manages to capture perfectly the
bullshit, destructiveness and utter toxicity of a bad relationship. The film takes us on a roller-coaster ride that never lets up from start to finish, though there was so much sex in it that towards the end I actually risked taking my eyes off the screen and checking my phone for a minute. I guess I must have figured that even if I missed something, I'd already seen so much sex that I could afford to miss a bit.

The sex scene between Murphy's Dick and both Electra's and Omi's Hairy Lady-Bits is pure ballet. It's beautiful, in its own way. I wonder if the elderly couple who were sitting behind me had sex at all when they went home. Ah well, that's none of my business, I suppose. Good luck to them, and fair play to them for, um, coming.

I'll personally be seeing Murphy's Dick in my dreams tonight, though. And every night for the rest of my life. If I'm lucky, heh-heh-heh. Oh, and I did want to finish on a pun, if I may. Gaspar Noé? More like, Gaspar No-Way! That pun is mine, by the way. Patent pending...


Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:


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