FEMALE VAMPIRE: AKA THE BARE-BREASTED COUNTESS. (1975) DIRECTED BY JESS FRANCO. STARRING LINA ROMAY. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
Picture the scene, film fans. A local yokel of a farmer, out wandering around his land on a fine day. Coming towards him is a woman, a strange and very beautiful woman. She's dressed in a black cloak, with a black belt slung low around her waist, thigh-high black boots... and nothing else. Say whaaaaat?
That's right, folks. They don't call her the 'Bare-Breasted Countess' for nothing. Well, they do in the title of the film, so there, haha. Her perfect titties are on show for all to see, along with a grand jet-black bush the likes of which we don't see nowadays because women today don't, apparently, come with pubes. Maybe you can find one of the old versions on Amazon or something, the ones that came with actual pubic hair, I really don't know.
Anyway, she approaches the bemused guy and starts to kiss him. Naturally, being a bloke, he doesn't resist. The beautiful black-haired siren sinks to her knees and clamps her mouth around his groin. He's in ecstasy. Until she begins to hoover his life-fluid out through the tip of his willy, haha. That'll learn him not to be a Horny Henry, or whatever his name is.
Who is this woman, and why does stuff like this not happen to the rest of us? Sadly, I can only answer the first half of that question. The woman is the Countess Irina Karlstein, the last descendant of a long line of sexy vampires from Bohemia, and she's come to the picturesque island of Madeira to have sex with as many of the locals as is in-humanly possible. And that's pretty much what she does for the rest of the film.
Hey, I'm not complaining, and neither will you guys be when you watch the film. It's the most eye-catching piece of 'Seventies Euro-vampire porn I've seen in many a long day. Irina is utterly gorgeous, swanning silently and gracefully around the set in either a see-through white lace dress that perfectly outlines her fun-bags and beaver (excuse my French!) or the kinky cloak, belt and boots get-up.
That's when she's not stark-bollock-nekkid, of course, with her snow-white boobies gently swaying from side to side and her bush looking more and more like she's got a small furry animal clamped to her crotch. And guess what else she is besides being completely and absolutely sex-mad? You'll never guess, so I suppose I'll have to tell you. Which, luckily for you guys, I'm dying to.
She's mute. That's right, she can't speak. She only communicates by means of solemn nods, head-shakings and elegant hand-gestures. A sex-crazed beauty who can't talk or, by definition, nag or pester a guy with her every waking thought and feeling? Every guy reading this is on-line right now, placing an order for one of these...! I'll certainly take the male version if there's such a thing in existence. Maybe I'll get two. Things have been pretty quiet around here lately.
The Countess, who in a softly-spoken voice-over reveals that she 'fears her cold coffin and lonely mausoleum,' has more sex in this film than I've had bad relationships, and I've had a lot of rubbish relationships. She does it with a lady journalist called Anna and with a strange guy whom her (also mute) bodyguard sends up to her hotel room for some reason. Probably for the obvious reason, haha.
We see more of the Countess's naked body-slash-genitalia than most of us have probably seen of our own. She's lying on her bed with her legs wide open and the furry animal ready for action when the strange man comes in.
What's he supposed to do? Well, he gets stuck in, much like you'd expect him to. Go on, my son...! There's, like, this crazy supermarket muzak playing in the background while Irina rides him ragged and does other, much naughtier things besides, to him and to herself. This sexy sex-vampire is, like, truly sexually insatiable...
When there aren't any available humans around, it don't make no never-mind to the horny aristocrat. She'll just do it with the bedpost and, believe me, she does. The camerman must have thanked his lucky stars that he got this gig.
Mind you, as the gorgeous actress who plays the Countess, Lina Romay, was the long-term girlfriend and then the wife of the film's director Jess Franco, the cameraman probably had to keep his mind on his job and not on the luscious curves of the leading lady's anatomy, as you can imagine.
There's girl-on-girl action in the film, girl-and-guy action and even a sexy dungeon where Irina voluntarily submits to a sensual whipping before turning the tables on her female torturer... with (obviously) sexy results...
This fantastic porno- I mean, arthouse- vampire movie is currently getting a new lease of life (or should that be death?) thanks to a smashing new movie label called MAISON ROUGE. What's happening is as follows:
SCREENBOUND is launching two brilliant new Euro cult film labels: MAISON ROUGE
and BLACK HOUSE FILMS. Don't they sound sexy as hell? MAISON ROUGE will specialise in Euro sleaze, of which FEMALE VAMPIRE: BARE-BREASTED COUNTESS will be their first release. Good choice, guys.
Other classics on the way from the label will include HELGA, SHE-WOLF OF STILLBERG, ELSA FRAULEIN SS, ZOMBIE LAKE and CRIMSON, all for the strictly over-eighteens only and no exceptions. The first three I mentioned here are all about sexy Nazis, some of whom are undead so, if that's your thing, you've come to the right place. Gott in Himmel, have you ever come to the right place...
BLACK HOUSE FILMS will deal mainly with Euro horror, and I'll certainly bombard ye with more details when I have 'em myself. Either way, the two labels intend to exploit the best of 'Sixties-to-'Eighties Euro Exploitation over the next few years, so prepare to be dazzled by Euro-filth and deliciously Gothic horror, in other words...!
In the meantime, please enjoy the horny and artistically-shot shenanigans of our mysterious fanged visitor with the distinct penchant for sadomasochism from the farthest reaches of Bohemia. In other words, our sexy seductress, Irina, Countess of Karlstein.
If you like your vampires female, bisexual, hot and horny and mostly nekkid, then Irina is the Countess for you. (PS, she's probably more trisexual than bisexual, now I come to think about it. She'll definitely 'tri' anything once and twice if she likes it, haha.)
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
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