19 June 2017



Motel owner: 'You want me to lick your balls?'
Motel guest: 'What did you just say?'
Motel owner: 'I said, do you wanna wake-up call?'

Holy f**k-a-roonie. This is simultaneously the best, most disgusting and funniest horror comedy flick I've seen in many a full moon. It was brought to my attention by my Facebook buddy Wayne W. Johnson, a criminally good-looking actor from Syracuse, New York, who just so happens to be one of the leading men in the film.

Wayne plays a hospital janitor called Cornelius, and let me tell you guys something. His regulation boiler-suit (very Michael Myers, by the way) only serves to accentuate his fine muscular physique and the baseball cap does little to disguise his fabulous long black hair, perfect for rocking out and headbanging in his very own rock group, CAROLINE BLUE.

There's a poster for the band in the film, which is kinda funny and breaking the fourth wall a bit. It's subliminal advertising, of course, just like JOIN THE NAVY/YVAN NET NIOJ in THE SIMPSONS, the episode about the Party Posse. You know, the one where Bart, Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph are pushed into forming a successful boy-band together. So funny.

Any-hoo, Wayne's character Cornelius has a naughty habit that I'm pretty sure he didn't pick up in Sunday School. Someone, it seems, likes to have sex when no-one is looking with the dead girlies in the hospital morgue what don't have no clothes on, heh-heh-heh.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw Wayne mount the trolley with the new girl stiff on it and start doing the business. Aye, aye, I thought. A film that begins with a nice bit of honest-to-goodness necrophilia has got potential. You guys don't know the half of it.

First off, the naughty Cornelius contracts a nasty STD from the dead chick he humps and it turns him into a sex-mad, flesh-and-blood-devouring zombie-rapist. Kind of like those dumb teens in CABIN FEVER who catch a horrible flesh-eating virus from the local water, only this is much, much worse. It makes the victims want to do the most sexually depraved things...

I can't even tell you what Wayne/Cornelius does to his trailer trash wife (or Momma, I'm not actually sure!) because it's downright disgusting and I'm pretty sure the nice folks who wrote the Bible wouldn't approve of it.

Speaking of the Bible, anyone know when the sequel's coming out? Seems like every book nowadays has gotta be part of a series and a couple of thousand years is a long time to wait for a gosh-darned follow-up.

But we were talking about Wayne. The scene with the bloody tampon made me gag a bit, but it's still nothing compared to what he does to his wife/possible Momma in their gaff. I've never, ever seen that done before. Kudos to Mr. Director, major kudos. Take a bow, Mr. S.

Wayne/Cornelius goes on a rampage, anyway, spreading icky zombie-rapist disgustingness everywhere he goes. Wayne is brilliant at being a zombie (he's already a well-known horror actor who's starred in films like BRACKISH and TALES OF DRACULA), but he's a really decent comic actor as well, to give him his due.

He's enjoying himself hugely in this film, hamming it up as a terrifying zombie villain and
not minding at all when the script calls for the utter mutilation and defilement of his extraordinary good looks. He's obviously a good sport who doesn't take himself too seriously, which is nice considering he's got a whole heck of a lot to be conceited about, haha.

Someone's just reminded me that I'm meant to be reviewing the whole film, not just the Wayne bits. Were there other people in the film? Oh yeah...! Haha, I'm only kidding. There's an excellent cast of characters behind Wayne all doing their thang, to hilarious and stomach-churning effect. Let's have a look at what's going on with them.

So we've got the horny high-school students, living it up on spring break and stopping for the night at the Redwood Motel. The owner, a redneck weirdo in dungarees, is one of the best characters. He gets some really funny lines in an already really well-written script. He gives the horny young'uns their rooms, little knowing, of course, that one of them has contracted the zombie disease from a filthy-dirty infected toilet seat in a gas station restroom...

The young 'uns are terrific. They are all lovingly named after famous horror characters, which is brilliant. There's Carrie, the pretty blonde girl who's picked up the infection in a really disgusting scene in that aforementioned bathroom. She does a great job of being a sex-mad zombie girl. Let's just say she makes poor Jason's night, haha.

There's Carrie's boyfriend Freddy, a real jerk who accidentally gets up to some rather nauseating but hilarious high jinks with Jason, the cute chubby odd-one-out of the group. Samara (the girl from RING, the American re-make of THE RING) is staying home because her boyfriend broke up with her. That's some real tough titty right there, Samara.

There's Christine (from the Stephen King novel/film adaptation), the nice girl, and the stunningly sexy Pamela (Voorhees) a few rooms down who is cheating on the gorgeous Dirk, the only character whose horror film equivalent I haven't been able to work out. Dirk? Who the diddly-doodly is Dirk? Maybe one of you clever horror peeps can tell me.

Dirk channels his inner Bruce Campbell to good effect, anyway, when he fights off zombies to the right of him, zombies to the left of him, here I am stuck in the middle with you. That gun his father gave him to celebrate his graduation from army boot-camp sure came in handy.

I was very pleased to see that Wayne's character Cornelius makes an attempt at rehabilitation later in the film when he decides to rise above the label of 'zombie-rapist' and better himself by becoming a TV repairman.

The poor thing, his brain is obviously so riddled with the disease that he doesn't understand that you have to fix the television sets, not angrily break them over the heads of sluts in their underwear. Poor dear Cornelius. A good course of night-classes will set him straight.

This is the movie that isn't afraid to be sick and disgusting. I like that. Hats off to the director, and hats on to Wayne, whose baseball cap never left his head even while he was making the beast-with-two backs with a corpse in the mortuary. The special effects and horror make-up are absolutely superb, by the way, just while I think of it.

There are some terrifically funny lines in the script ('I can't believe I thought your balls were two clits...!' and 'Kick her in the vag!' to name but two), and there are some great songs in there too, courtesy of a group called ANGRY JOHNNY AND THE KILLLBILLIES.' The name fits perfectly with the ethos of the film. No holes, and, yes, I do mean holes, were barred.

The director isn't afraid to tackle some of the tougher issues of life in his film. Male-on-male zombie butt-rape, for a start. This is a sad, sad issue that gets hardly any press because victims are generally so ashamed to come forward, feeling that it's a slur on their masculinity. NIGHT OF SOMETHING STRANGE tackles this issue in a sensitive and caring manner, along with the rather tragic problem of what is usually known as 'blue balls.'

'Blue balls,' of course, is what happens to a young man when he is denied sex by his frigid
bitch of a girlfriend, who might as well be on the rag every week of the year, the way she treats him. This distressing and genuinely debilitating condition can be prevented if the uptight **** just puts out like she's s'posed to, considering he paid for her goddamned Big Mac and Diet Pepsi an' all.

The director very kindly thanks everyone he's ever known in his life in a separate section of the credits. I'll finish my review by listing all the things I did while these were ongoing:

1. Made a cup of tea.

2. Had a quick wee, also replacing the used-up loo roll with a brand-new one.

3. Made another cup of tea. Thank-yous still ongoing, so texted friend about meeting for coffee.

4. Met friend for coffee. Listened for four hours while she bitched about hubby's shameless
flirting with skank next door.

5. Came home. Thank-yous still ongoing. Went to bed and dreamed of Wayne. He was smoking a fag while being chased by zombies through the aisles of a convenience store. Not sure what that signifies in terms of our- presumably- joint future together. Bit puzzled.

6. Got up. Thought thank-yous were ending, but false alarm. Got text from friend. Hubby leaving her for skank next door. F**k. Anticipate much future ear-bashings about shortcomings of hubby. Thank-yous finally end. Thank God.


Follow Wayne on Twitter:


Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:


 You can contact Sandra at:


No comments:

Post a Comment