13 June 2017

TALES OF DRACULA. (2015) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.



TALES OF DRACULA. (2015) DIRECTED BY JOE DEMURO. WRITTEN BY JOE DEMURO AND THOMAS RICE. SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION BY DWIGHT KEMPER. MUSIC BY JOHAN BACK MONELL AND THOMAS RICE. CINEMATOGRAPHY BY MIKE RUDOLPH.
STARRING WAYNE W. JOHNSON, COURTNEY BENNETT, GRETA VOLKOVA, DAVID MERRELL, JOE DEMURO, TOM DELILLO, MICKEY RAY, DWIGHT KEMPER AND CASSANDRA HAYES.
SPECIAL FX AND MONSTER MAKE-UP BY RON CHAMBERLAIN. MADE BY WOLFBAIN PRODUCTIONS.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. © 

'I do not mean to startle you but you have something that belongs to me... My blood. What could you want with my blood?'

Hmmm, what indeed? Here's a fun question for all you horror fans out there. Where would you find Count Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolfman all disporting themselves together in a jolly fashion and having a high old time of it? Outside of the 1945 UNIVERSAL horror classic HOUSE OF DRACULA, that is!

That film was great fun. Starring John Carradine as the Fanged One, Glenn Strange as Frankie's Monster and the wonderful Lon Chaney Jr. as Larry Talbot aka The Wolfman, it was a horror crossover monster movie that represented the very best that the UNIVERSAL horror films of the 'Thirties and 'Forties had to offer. The Mummy never showed up, though. I think his kid had a thing or something...

Anyway, to answer my original question, I know of someplace a little more recent where you can find these timeless horror characters all doing their collective 'thang' at the click of a button. (I mean, you can buy it on Amazon, this isn't a feckin' MAGIC button or anything...!)

The 2015 indie horror flick TALES OF DRACULA has all three of these guys wandering about doing stuff and there's a few villagers in there as well, vital if you're trying to give the impression of a village. It also contains a little something I like to call 'the Wayne W. Johnson Factor,' but more of that in due course. Good things come to those who wait. Cue evil laugh. 'Mwhahahahahahahaha' and so forth.

Okay, so in TALES OF DRACULA, as marvellously affectionate an homage to the old UNIVERSAL movies as you're likely to find anywhere today, the deal is as follows. Professor Von Helsing, the spiteful old meanie, has driven Count Dracula out of England and back to his native Carpathia, where he licks his wounds in solitude for a bit. I would personally like to volunteer my services as Chief Wound Licker for this particular Count and here's why.

Dracula is played by Wayne W. Johnson, a criminally good-looking Syracuse actor who first caught my eye in the 2016 indie horror film BRACKISH. In this, he portrays an intimidating toothpick-flicking Sheriff, called Merlock, who likes pushing people around and telling strangers that they shouldn't linger in his town or bad shit will happen to them. 

Basically, it looks like he just doesn't feel like doing any of the paperwork that might result from having new arrivals in town, the lazy Sheriff. A bit like the incompetent Police Chief Clancy Wiggum in THE SIMPSONS. Remember the seal of approval he gave to the people of Springfield who were catching their own criminals? 'Yeah, a lot of people are doing that nowadays...!' 

Tourists are so dumb, anyway. They're always having to be fished out of haunted lakes or rescued from the vengeful ghost of the serial killer who was executed horribly in this very prison a hundred years ago tonight. Anyway, Wayne W. Johnson's so deliciously big and imposing-looking that he's perfect in this role.

Let us take a moment out of our busy days to reflect on the almost unspeakable handsomeness and raw sexual appeal of the actor Wayne W. Johnson. Mmmm, that was a nice little oasis of sexiness in my otherwise 'meh' day, heh-heh-heh. Well-built with jet-black long hair, a magnificent physique and a deep sexy voice that would melt the knickers off a Reverend Mother, he's actually pretty damned talented as well.

With a recurring role on the popular web-series STAR TREK NEW VOYAGES and a job as the frontman of headbanging rock outfit CAROLINE BLUE, this guy is aiming to go far in the
business of show, as Sideshow Mel from THE SIMPSONS might say.

As his Facebook friend, I must add that he's actually a really sweet guy as well who loves his cat, so overall you might say that he's pretty much a great all-rounder. No, I'm not sure about his marital status but there's no law against looking up his professional online bio and drooling over the picture contained therein.

And, um, saving the picture to your computer and making it your screensaver. And, erm, kissing the picture goodnight whenever you feel lonely, ahem. I'm not saying that I do any of these weird things, by the way. I'm just saying that there ain't no law against it no-how. Yet...

Anyway, Wayne is terrific as Dracula in TALES OF DRACULA. He gets majorly pissed off when his lovely bride Ingrid is destroyed by some pesky locals and he wastes no time in choosing a new missus from amongst the natives. His immediate choice (men sure don't waste any time, do they, the bastards...!) is a stunningly beautiful blonde girl called Ilona with the very mysterious real-life name of Greta Volkova.

They don't have vampire sex or anything, which is a shame. In fact, no opportunities whatsoever were taken to show Wayne in a state of déshabillement. (That's French for nekkid, y'all!) Very remiss of the director, who otherwise did an absolutely cracking good job of depicting a little village in Carpathia terrorised by the rule of Dracula. I'll send him a memo forthwith. The director, I mean. Dear Mr. DeMuro, From now on, Wayne must always be shirtless. Yours Sincerely, A Fan...!

And where do Frankenstein's Monster and the Wolfman come into the picture? Well, the grand-daughter of the original Victor Frankenstein is ensconsed in her family home in Carpathia putting some of Ilona's vampire-infected blood into the Monster created by her ancestor, for reasons best known to herself. This angers Dracula greatly. He's of the opinion that what's his is his (his haemoglobin, that is), and therefore he's coming to take it back by whatever means necessary. God knows what he's planning to do with it. Put it in a little vial and wear it around his neck as a fashion accessory, maybe!

Dr. Victoria Frankenstein is sensibly clad in the chef's whites and checked trousers she brought from home, presumably having been asked by the director to 'dig out something a bit doctor-y if you can at all.' She has some very funny lines, such as: 'So I take it you're a vampire?' when she first meets the Count.

There he is, Count Dracula, in the fangs and full vampire make-up, and he's literally just materialised in her laboratory out of nowhere, having oozed through the keyhole in the form of mist, and he's calling himself Vlad Tepes. What else would he possibly be, a door-to-door cloak salesman? 

Also, Lil' Vicky poo-poos at first the possibility of the existence of the Wolfman, even when he's standing right in front of her begging to be restrained for the safety of everyone in the village. She's been brought up with Frankenstein's Monster for a brother, but there couldn't possibly be such a thing as the Wolfman? Clearly, under Victoria's short sensible haircut throbs a first-class brain...!

I love the bizarre mix of villagers as well. Anton, the boozy landlord of the town's one tavern, has a rather splendid moustache that wouldn't have been out of place in any of the original UNIVERSAL or HAMMER horror films, and he and his daughter Elsa ham it up good-style behind the bar together. The inn is usually the main source of superstition, gossip and boozy revelations in any vampire-stricken village and I loved all the scenes that took place here.

Both Daniel, Ilona's father, and Creighton Reed, the Wolfman, have apparently each turned up to work in their everyday clothes from modern times. Creighton in particular looks like an affluent New Jersey businessman or something and both their unmistakable American accents shine like beacons through the pea-souper of a mist that wreaths the tiny village in its, um, mistiness and suchlike. They're both great characters but clearly Wardrobe was a tad overstretched and asked 'em both to dress themselves. Big mistake, dudes...! Ah well, it doesn't even matter.

The special effects are excellent for such a low-budget film. The Wolfman in particular is actually much scarier than his UNIVERSAL counterpart, the infinitely cuddly Lon Chaney. TALES OF DRACULA is even dedicated to Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Lon Chaney, how sweet is that? Carla Laemmle, one of the longest surviving stars of the silent film era (she had a small part in the Bela Lugosi DRACULA from 1931), gets a shout-out too, which is nice.

The film from beginning to end is such a loving tribute to those old UNIVERSAL horror
pictures that I'd recommend to any fans of the old films to watch it immediately, if not sooner. I'm greatly looking forward to Mr. DeMuro's next film. I really hope he gets my memo about Shirtless Wayne. If not, I can always send it again. And again. And again... Clearly, I've got nothing much else to do, haha. And never forget, will you, that 'there ARE such things as vampires...?'

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AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

 You can contact Sandra at:


http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com







2 comments:

  1. Thank you very much for your review of "Tales of Dracula" Sandra. I have to admit that I wasn't expecting to blush while reading it-you're much too kind. :) Thanks and wishing you & yours all the best.

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    1. Your welcome Wayne, all the best for the comment, all plaudits go to Sandra for writing the review..

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