THE FLYING GUILLOTINE. PRODUCTION COMPANY: THE SHAW BROTHERS. DIRECTED BY MENG HUA HO. STARRING KUAN TAI CHEN, HUNG WEI,YANG CHIANG AND WU CHI LIU. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
This is a cracking little Chinese martial arts movie-slash-love-story with a narrative so clear and cohesive that I've no need to have recourse to my old pal Wikipedia to review it for you lucky guys. Except maybe for the credits. Sometimes those are hard...!
It's set in the time of the Ching Dynasty. I don't have an exact time-frame for this particular Dynasty, all's I know is that it definitely pre-dates the Smartphones-and-Facebook era, thank Christ...! It's a martial arts movie all the way through but there's a love story in there too, and it's kind of a film of two halves, which is how I'll review it, methinks.
In the first half of the film, we have an Emperor who rules his subjects with a rod of iron. Anyone who crosses him, even slightly, is liable to get their heads chopped off. Yep, he's a big fan of chopping off peoples' heads, this fella. He's a proper little Caligula, he is, except he's so pro-execution that he kind of makes the nutcase Caligula look like a cross between Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa.
Imagine the Emperor's delight then when a lowly subject of his comes up with a novel and super-effective way of chopping off those all-important heads. The device he's invented is an ingenious but lethal contraption called The Flying Guillotine. Yes, I just said the film's title there, have yourself another drink, isn't that how this game goes...?
The Flying Guillotine is attached to a chain or a rope and the reason it's so handy is that the user can, well, use it, even from a considerable distance. You throw it carefully at your intended subject, who'll most likely be alerted by the sort of loud whooshing noise it makes as it approaches. He actually has ample time to step aside or duck down if he so wishes.
If the intended victim is kind enough to stand perfectly immobile for a minute, however, a sort of box-like contraption will drop down over his-or-her head and several sharp blades will slot firmly into place at the base of the neck.
You give a good hard tug on your lad, the chain or rope, the blades will whizz into action and neatly chop off the head, leaving the headless body to jerk and thrash about hilariously for several seconds before it finally realises it's dead and gives up the, erm, ghost.
I'd always heard that that was what happened if your head was cut off. It would take a few seconds for the body to sort of catch up, as it were. It takes so long in this film for the bodies to get the message that they are, in fact, deceased, that they actually have time to go down to to the post office to collect their dole, stop off at a Starbucks for a latte (why do they ask you for your name every time, that's literally none-a their business!) and pop into Ticketmaster for a ridiculously over-priced ticket to Coldplay in the 3ARENA in a year's time before they need to drop down dead.
The Emperor is nearly jizzing himself with delight at the thought of being able to behead people in a new and fancier way, with the box-fresh doo-hickey known as The Flying Guillotine. It's simply the latest thing in beheadings, have you got one yet? I think you can get them on eBay now.
The Emperor immediately orders that twelve strong young men receive six months intensive special training in the use of this contraption and, once they're fully up to speed in its usage, they'll be well placed to start bumping off the Emperor's enemies and boy, does the Emperor have a lot of enemies...!
The twelve lads are all treated like royalty. They get financial rewards and beautiful nudie women as gifts from the Emperor to encourage them to keep up the good work. That's how Jean Simmons's (Jean, not Gene!) slave girl met Kirk Douglas's Spartacus in that old classic film about the gladiator school, I forget what it was called. SPEED 3, was it?
Dressed in black, this special elite branch of the Imperial Guard storm the rooftops Ninja-style and send their Flying Daggers, whoops, I mean Guillotines, whizzing in the direction of the intended victims as the victims conveniently stick their heads out the window to see what all that bloody whizzing racket is about.
One of the lads is not strong enough mentally to be an assassin for the Emperor, his days filled with nothing but killing and bloodshed. He goes gaga during a murder and the cruel Emperor has him executed. Big surprise. That's his answer to everything, haha. This is a bad move though, as the poor fella had friends among the Emperor's elite little band of black-clad assassins.
One such friend is Ma Teng, the handsome, pony-tailed warrior who decides he's had enough of killing too. F**k this lark for a game of soldiers, in other words. Amidst much kung-fu shenanigans, he leaves the group and goes off to scrape a living off the land with his new wife, Yuping, a street entertainer who admits herself that she has two main talents. Singing sweetly about the news of the day, and keeping pigs. Don't tell me that these aren't two gifts that would come in very handy at some stage in every marriage...?
The Emperor's men have orders to capture Ma Teng dead or alive, however, and so everywhere he goes, with his warbling missus and their new fat little baby son, there's a danger that deadly assassins armed with their precious Flying Guillotines might pop up around every corner. This is what the second half of the film is all about.
How can they ever leave peacefully- and peaceably- if trouble is around every corner? After all, Ma Teng can't possibly vanquish every enemy, can he? Or can he...? Well, I don't know. I'm not psychic like the toothsome fortune-teller in the film. That's why I'm asking youse, haha.
How can they ever leave peacefully- and peaceably- if trouble is around every corner? After all, Ma Teng can't possibly vanquish every enemy, can he? Or can he...? Well, I don't know. I'm not psychic like the toothsome fortune-teller in the film. That's why I'm asking youse, haha.
Beautiful scenery and exquisite costumes are on show here right from the off. There's only a teeny-weeny bit of nudity and sex- blink and you most assuredly will miss it- but you'll be greatly mollified by all the wonderfully choreographed fight scenes.
This film was hugely influential in terms of all the kung-fu movies that came after it and now, thanks to the 88 FILMS ASIA COLLECTION, it's been restored and remastered in HD and is now back on the shelves, waiting patiently to be bought by your good selves.
In fact, we don't really have a choice about purchasing it as the Emperor- you know him, pushy prick in a silky dressing-gown- has just issued a Special Decree ordering us all to buy, oh, at least a dozen copies each. Under pain of beheading, of course. Is that the sound of a Flying Guillotine whizzing past that I hear? Better buy those Blu-Rays, lads...
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
You can contact Sandra at:
http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com
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