MICHAEL ARMSTRONG: THE SCREENPLAYS. BEELZEBUB. (1984)
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
'Michael Armstrong is creating history by being the first film-maker to publish his entire screenwriting output. With the original uncut screenplays in print for the first time ever and peppered with a mixture of wildly entertaining anecdotes, astounding behind-the-scenes revelations, creative and educational insights and brutal 'no holds barred' honesty, these books are guaranteed to provide a completely new kind of reading experience while offering a unique insight into the movie industry. Starting from his first professional screenplay written in 1960 when he was only fifteen and which he subsequently directed in 1968, the books will ultimately encompass a career that has spanned over fifty years. The books will include not only those screenplays which made it onto a cinema screen but, for the first time ever, all those that didn't- and the reasons why...'
The above passage is taken direct from screenwriter/director Michael Armstrong's official website. For the last several months, I've had the once-in-a-lifetime privilege of being among the first people to read and review Michael's gorgeous books as they roll, steaming hot and full of fun, frights and some fabulous movie-business gossip, off the presses. And I don't mind telling you guys that I've been bloody loving it. I feel important, lol. Important and special.
Thus far, I've read the script books of GHOST TOWN, A STAR IS DEAD, THE BLACK PANTHER, THE IMAGE (the film of which features a young David Bowie) and HOUSE OF THE LONG SHADOWS, a brilliant story that went on to be an equally brilliant, much-loved and enduring horror film.
Whom did it star? You know whom, lol. Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Vincent Price and John Carradine, the first, the last, the only film to ever star these four lads together. How's that for an all-star line-up then...? Unbeatable, you say? Darn tootin.'
The most recent script book to fall into my eager little hands is called BEELZEBUB, so straightaway I knew it was going to be a heart-warming story about a little old ladies' sewing-and-knitting circle that comes under threat when the cosy little village hall in which they meet is sold from under them and slated for demolition.
Haha, fooled ye, of course it's not about that. I was only kidding. Clearly it's going to be a gritty, true-to-life story about a sheltered young female teacher who accepts a post in the toughest of schools in the most disadvantaged of areas and gradually she realises that there's more to preparing kids for life than cramming punctuation and grammar down their throats.
Nah, that's not it either, but I was really enjoying that humorous train of thought. I could have gone on for quite a while there in that vein. Don't steal my ideas Michael, you scriptwriter you! I might just type 'em up myself and sell 'em to Hollywood for millions later, if I've time in between the ad-breaks of EASTENDERS and EMMERDALE. Let's talk about BEELZEBUB for now.
It's actually a horror story about a haunted or possessed computer, believe it or not. It was very far-sighted, not to mention brave, of Michael to write about a computer in an age in which they were only just coming into vogue and he was himself getting to grips with the pretty major transition from typewriter to word processor.
To quote him directly: 'I have never been very good coping with or understanding technology. Even pressing a switch and an electric light coming on is still an unfathomable miracle as far as I'm concerned.' Oh Michael my friend, I hear that...!
He goes on to say: 'I bought myself the simplest easy-to-read instruction manual on mini-
computers I could find. It was hundreds of pages long and written in a language so dense and, to me, so incomprehensible, it was like trying to read WAR AND PEACE in the original Russian.' (All these remarks, plus some serious soul-baring which I found thoroughly moving, can be found in THE HISTORY OF THE SCREENPLAY chapter in the book BEELZEBUB, by the way.)
I myself only went online, if that's the correct phrase, in 2012, prior to which I'd been using my own little electric typewriter. It sits in a corner of the living-room now with a dust-cover over it. I can't bear to see it as it makes me feel so guilty for abandoning it in favour of more advanced technology. Some days I'm afraid it'll go all 'MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE' on me and strike me down in some form of keyboard-based revenge. Hands off my idea Michael! I'm totally watching you...
Anyway, this film, if it had been made, would almost certainly have been a hit in the 'mid-Eighties. Unfortunately, what with one thing and another, it didn't get the outing it deserved, but I really do love this wicked and twisted plot.
Gordon is the Dad of the family. Thinking he's doing his technology-crazy son Matthew a favour, he buys him a second-hand computer from a bloke he knows. Grand so far, but what the family don't know is that the computer has been used to input the data from five years' worth of investigation into various psychic phenomena on the part of the previous owner.
When Matthew sets up the computer, bizarre things start to happen. The Lord's Prayer- backwards- is suddenly there on the screen without Matthew's input. Mirrors start to shatter in the vicinity and the computer seems to be allergic to the presence of all or any crosses or crucifixes nearby.
The reader knows full well by now that the damn thing is haunted to buggery but it wouldn't be any fun if the protagonists were to work this out quite so quickly. Let's just say that it takes 'em a little longer, lol. The evil housed in the computer slowly begins to become obvious to Matthew, Gordon, Gordon's wife Lynn and their daughter Lesley, Matthew's sister.
An intruder to the house drops down stone-dead within a few minutes of entering it. One of Lesley's punkish friends has her tiny gold cross earring wrenched forcefully from her shell-like while visiting the house, necessitating a trip to the hospital. A school project of Lesley's on comparative religion gets, shall we say, a little heated and upstairs on Matthew's computer screen appear the words:
'I AM BEELZEBUB. WORSHIP ME.'
Eeeek.
I love this bit on page 82:
GORDON and MATTHEW look at the screen-
As the computer proceeds to draw a picture...
It is a head...
But nothing remotely human...
Something hideous with enormous eyes and a proboscis...
It is the head of a fly.
And, as the image is formed...
So, OFF-SCREEN, an eerie buzzing can be heard...
The buzzing of flies...
Growing steadily louder...
Jeff Goldblum in THE FLY, anyone? That passage gives me the willies. I hate flies and anything to do with them, especially since a friend kindly informed me that they only stop
flying to, um, poop. This was after one of the little blighters had alighted on my tiramisu. There's seven-fifty I'll never get back...
Anyway, Ken, the guy who used to own the computer, works for the NATIONAL SOCIETY FOR THE INVESTIGATION OF PSYCHIC PHENOMENA. He and his boss, Dr. Hill, both agree with Matthew and Gordon that the computer is possessed. And whaddya do when someone, or something, is possessed? Let's just say that 'it's a good day for an exorcism...'
Michael clearly loves the movie THE EXORCIST. It's referenced several times in the script and he's obviously having great fun with bringing it into the picture. The family in the script have seen the film too and they're going mad wondering if the possession is anything to do with their teenage daughter's menstrual cycle. Yep, they've definitely seen THE EXORCIST, lol. Let's hope that they can find a decent version of Father Merrin for themselves in the Yellow Pages...
There's some great humour in the book too. It's not all flies and demonic visitations. Here's a scene from page 66 in which the daughter of the house, Lesley, is discussing the dead intruder with her two punk friends Fran and Nigel:
LESLEY: That's where he was... right there.
NIGEL: Was there much blood?
LESLEY: You don't get blood with a heart attack.
FRAN: You do with consumption. You cough it up. That's what happened with Keats.
LESLEY: Yes, well, it wasn't a dead poet Dad found lying there. It was a burglar.
FRAN: Chekhov was the same.
LESLEY: Chekhov wasn't a burglar.
FRAN: No, but he used to cough up blood.
I love it. Anyway, information about Michael and his collection of wonderful books can be found on his website, or you could also pester his publishers, lol, the good people at Paper Dragon Productions. All the details are below.
The film fan in your life would be eternally grateful for a gift from this luxurious, glossy-covered collection. Beelzebub commands you now to go and fetch thy wallet and open it wide. I am Beelzebub. Worship me. And, um, would it kill you to put on some coffee? I'm parchin' here.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:
http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO
You can contact Sandra at:
http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com
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