4 June 2018

NUCLEUS FILMS PRESENTS: PADDY THE VET FROM EMMERDALE'S 'ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES.' (2017) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.




ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES. (2017) DIRECTED BY DOMINIC BRUNT (PADDY THE VET FROM EMMERDALE!). WRITTEN BY JOANNE MITCHELL AND PAUL SHRIMPTON. STARRING ANDREW DUNN, KATE COOGAN, KURTIS LOWE, MICA PROCTOR, SALLY DEXTER AND JOANNE MITCHELL.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

'They're coming to get you, Barbara...'

'You're gonna need a bigger nappy...!'

'So, you're not just, like, some kind of kinky Masons, then?'

'You mean there's a god of poo?'
'Yes, you can look it up!'

'Clinton, be a dear and fetch my chainsaw. Oh, and perhaps a knife or two!'

Dominic Brunt and Joanne Mitchell on ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES:
 “The film was inspired by a mixture of ideas and events…the Formula One President Max Mosely’s sadomasochistic orgy exposé, the dubious all-male Charity events, Freemason lore, exploitative male bosses, Carry On movies, saucy seaside postcards and 1950s EC Horror Comics. The plan was always to make a movie almost beyond description”.

This horror comedy directed by Paddy The Vet From Emmerdale is a most disturbing film. If you're ever planning a tour of the writers' sick, depraved minds, I'd strongly advise bringing a powerful flashlight, wearing some sort of protective hazard-suit and goggles and not touching anything except with a forty-foot barge-pole. I imagine it's pretty bloody murky, not to mention mucky, in there.

The plot of this film is utterly bizarre. Let's see if I can break it down into bited-sized chunks which under no circumstances are you to put within a mile of your mouths. There could be anything at all in there and I won't be held responsible for any unpleasant side-effects you may experience...

Okay, so there's this step-family, consisting of Mum and Dad and teenaged step-brother-and-sister Tim and Kim. The young 'uns have the hots for each other. Dad: 'There is a book out there on how very, very wrong that is, on so many levels.' At least someone in the family has a sense of the proprieties. Tsk tsk.

While playing a nice family board game called Bing-Bong, where it doesn't count if you don't actually say the words 'Bing-Bong,' a pair of guys burst into the house on their way, clearly, to a RESERVOIR DOGS-themed party. They're brandishing guns. Get down on the floor or I'll execute every mother-f**king one of ya type of thing.

What do these rather inept-sounding hoodlums want? To send the teenagers and Mum-but-not-Dad to a certain house in the vicinity to retrieve a certain package they'll find there. Dad will stay with the thugs, meanwhile, as a hostage, to ensure that Mum and the kids do exactly what they're told without calling the cops. These crimmos must want whatever's in this package pretty damn bad...

Somewhere else at about this time, a small group of attractive young women in a beautiful old country house are dressing as nurses, but not real nurses, the kind you'd expect to see if you broke your arm or leg. 

These nurses are heavily made-up, sexy nurses, complete with short tight white dresses, white stockings and suspenders and high heels. This is the kind of nurse you'd expect to see if you were paying for her time by the hour, if you get me.

Despite the promise of big bucks, the young ladies all look miserable. I can't say I blame them. They're about to become pretend nursemaids to a group of male adult babies, who wear nappies and go potty and drink bottles of milk and need burpies just like real babies.

Unlike real babies, however, they may also grope your arse or stick their paws up between your legs to see if you're wearing any knickers. How do they get away with such perverted behaviour? Why, they have money, of course. Pots and pots of the stuff.

As the girls' savagely strict Madam warns them beforehand: 'No smirking, laughing or mockery will be tolerated. Once you enter that room, you are Nursie to some of the most influential men in the country...' Well, that explains that then. Money can buy you anything. Even people. Especially people.

The super-rich adult babies drink lots of milk. It makes them poop copiously in their nappies and it causes some disturbing physical changes in them too which the 'nurses' are barely forewarned about. The nurses are going to find it all a bit much, as a matter of fact. Changing all those mucky nappies, watching their wealthy charges mutate horribly before their eyes into...

Well, look, we won't go any further with that. Not because I don't want to 'spoil the plot' for ye but because the rest of the film is pretty gross and disgusting, and not in a good, video-nasty kind of way either.

This is more like a video-nauseous, as your stomach will be churning from this point on. Not in a good TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE kind of way. More in a you've-caught-a-vomiting-and-diarrhoea-bug kind of way and your last meal before you got sick was a massive plate of oysters. That kind of way.

Your brow will also be furrowing at the loop-holes and plot-holes and the amount of unbelievable, bizarre content in the film. The more the film goes on, the more ludicrous and incomprehensible things become.

When the two plots collide, the home invasion and the nurses attending to their 'adult babies,' it's 'bye-'bye plot and hello madness. My verdict on the film? It's a truckload-and-a-half of shite, if you'll excuse the terrible pun. 

Paddy The Vet From Emmerdale, you are a sick and perverted individual. Em'ly would have a fit. And I daren't even think what Ashley The Vicar would have to say about it. Humph. I'd love to be a fly in the bitter at the Woolpack when news of this abomination gets out. I shouldn't be at all surprised if Paddy never sticks his arm up a cow's backside again.

Do you guys mind terribly if I don't stay for the tour of the writers' minds? My hazard-suit is at the cleaners and, um, my flashlight is all out of batteries. Also, I lent my barge-pole to a passing shepherd about a week ago and he hasn't brought it back yet.

Anyway, I honestly can't go 'cause, well, frankly, I think I've got the plague again. There, I've said it. You'll be alright on your own, though, don't worry. Just try not to breathe in too much and you'll be fine...

Cast
Andrew Dunn (Dinner LadiesDoctors), Kate Coogan (‘Emmerdale’, Northern Soul), Charlie Chuck (BaitThe Smell of Reeves and Mortimer), Sally Dexter (PoldarkHolby City), Nicky Evans (ShamelessBefore Dawn), Mica Proctor (Nightshooters), Joanne Mitchell (Before DawnBait), Seamus O’Neill (Coronation StreetSightseers), Laurence R. Harvey (The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence), Thaila Zucchi (Girlfriends) and newcomer Kurtis Lowe.

Credits
Mitchell-Brunt Films present ATTACK OF THE ADULT BABIES, directed by Dominic Brunt (BaitBefore Dawn) and written by Paul Shrimpton (ZombieworldInbred) from a story by Joanne Mitchell (Before Dawn, Bait). Producers are Karl Hall (I Am Not A Witch) and Joanne Mitchell. Executive producers are James Norrie (LowlifeThe Void) and Bob Portal (Anna and the ApocalypseFashionista). Director of photography is Geoff Boyle (Bait, Mutant Chronicles), production designer is Jordan McHale (Emmerdale, A Touch of Frost) and costume designer is Lance Milligan (Kill ListHabit). Prosthetic make-up supervisor and designer is Shaune Harrison (Star WarsHarry Potter, AvengersWorld War Z), key special effects by Graham Taylor (Entity, The Slayers) and visual effects by Neil Myers (Bait, Before Dawn) and Alex Chandon (Inbred). Music is composed by Thomas Ragsdale (Before DawnBait, Hypernormalisation).

TITLE
Attack of the Adult Babies
Distributor
Nucleus Films
Release Date
June 18, 2018 (UK only)
Retail outlets
HMV, Amazon, iTunes, Sky Store, Google Play
BBFC Certificate
TBC
Genre
Horror
Running Time
80 minutes
Extra Features
Making of, Audio Commentary, Trailer & selection of Short Films directed by Dominic Brunt.



AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

You can contact Sandra at:

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com








No comments:

Post a comment