4 July 2018



'Satan has JAWS...'

'Hell is shark-infested...'

'The only thing more horrifying than a shark in the sea is... a shark in a she...!'

Oh boy, we surely gon' have us some Fourth of July fun with this one. The title is terrific, and the concept doubly so. I mean, JAWS meets THE EXORCIST, a demon shark possessed by the devil needs his soul cleansed by a Father Lankaster Merrin type? What could be better or more fun?

Sadly, this American horror film doesn't exactly meet the viewers' expectations. Oh, and the picture on the box, of a fabulous gigantic megalodon shark with a priest in front of him doing the whole 'the power of Christ compels thee' thing bears no relation to the film inside. I'm just saying, is all. I bought the film on the strength of this brilliant cover photo, so the photo obviously works. Ain't nuthin' wrong with the photo no-how.

Ah well. Let's have a look at the 'plot,' although I'm using the word loosely here. A plot is a well-constructed series of events leading coherently to a specific outcome. I'm not sure if you can say that about SHARK EXORCIST, lol. Let's just say that it plays a little bit fast and loose with the concept of plotting...

Okay, so three skanks are going to a place called Paris Landing to work on their tans. Well, it's not likely to be their theses in Quantum Physics, is it, as all three are lacking somewhat in the brains department. 

And I call them skanks because they're barely dressed in skimpy bikinis, plastered in make-up and only interested in their phones and their utterly slutty sex lives. One of them seems particularly intellectually challenged, unable to utter any word except 'whatever,' which is profoundly sad to see in one so young.

The skanks duly arrive at the lake. The skankiest of the three, Ali I think her name is, is almost immediately attacked by a giant shark. I'm sure that that's what's written in the script anyway. What actually happens is that we see a few seconds of a tiny animated shark moving through the water with green light-up eyes. The green eyes thing is to indicate that the shark is 'evil,' see?

Then Ali is pulled from the water by her friends with what look the marks of a slightly heavy period on one of her legs. No bite-marks, not even stock footage of bite-marks swiped from somewhere else. None of the shock or hysterical screaming or the other stuff you might expect from a victim of a shark attack. Nothing much at all really except for the watery fake blood.

The next time we see Ali, she's completely 'cured' of her terrible 'wounds' and she rips off the teensy-weensy Band-Aid on her thigh with aplomb. Only thing is, now she's deeply attracted to water and only wants to 'soak in the tub' all day long. Can you possibly guess what's happened to our dear sweet little brain-dead Ali...?

You got it. She's now possessed by the, um, evil demon shark. She uses her new-found powers of toothsomeness to get back at her cheating rat of a boyfriend Bobby, who has been going behind her back with one of the other skanks, Lauren. Otherwise known as 'the Whatever Girl.'  I've no sympathy for Bobby, who in all honesty had it coming, the lying little toad.

Bobby must have found Lauren a bit of a relief after the high-maintenance Ali. Lauren, you wanna have sex? Whatever! Lauren, I'm gonna come now, baby. Whatever! Lauren, is it okay if I bring a few of my friends round to your Mum and Dad's place for an orgy and a Black Mass? Whatever! Lauren, I think I have an STD but we're still gonna have sex without using a condom, right? Whatever! Lauren, mind if I get your prints on my gun? It's just that I accidentally shot a guy and I can't go to prison 'cause I'm so good-looking and you know what they do to guys like me inside? All together now folks... Whatever...!

A Catholic priest tries to 'exorcise' Ali, with the help of the third skank, Emily. It's the funniest and worst scene I think I've ever seen in my life. In a tribute to the original EXORCIST film, Ali does the whole pea-soup vomiting thing, which is kinda sweet. At least you know that the director is a genuine horror fan.

Anyone who's 'attacked' by the 'demon shark' with the light-up eyes begins to thrash and flail about in the water before the shark reaches them. That's very funny to watch. You only see the 'shark' once or twice and it's only the tiny little computerised one. You never see it coming out of the water either as in JAWS, the original shark film that made you afraid to go back in the
water and which we remember fondly every Fourth of July.

Remember when Monica from FRIENDS thought that her boyfriend Chandler was into shark porn, but it turns out that he was only wanking to regular porn and just quickly switched over to a National Geographic channel when Monica came into the room?

Poor Monica loves him so much that she even offers to help him recreate a shark attack scene in their bathroom to spice up their sex life as the womens' magazines tell us we're supposed to do. 'Does there need to be more thrashing about?' she asks him worriedly, afraid that she's doing it all wrong. 'And do you need for it to be more toothsome...?'

The reason the 'shark' is evil in the first place, by the way, is that a woman in a nun's outfit complete with a rubber knife summons up the Satan of the Sea at the start of the film because she's pissed off about something. We're never told what it is that's mildly annoyed her. Maybe Sister Maria's been nicking her fags or something. That'd make you irritable all right.

There's a couple of scenes of random 'possessed' women rolling around on the grass making funny noises and what have you in the film, as well as a couple of ghost-busting documentary makers whose next show is likely to be delayed as the presenter gets, um, possessed as well, I'm not sure by whom or what. 

But it's obviously highly contagious, this being possessed lark. I think I was a bit possessed myself by the end of the movie, or at least mildly suicidal, which is ironic as SUICIDAL PRODUCTIONS is the name of the company (along with STRATOSPHERE ENTERTAINMENT) that brings us SHARK EXORCIST in the first place. For which we're eternally grateful, right guys? How can we ever thank them?

The film's ending is nicely in keeping with the rest of the movie, in that it makes zero sense whatsoever, lol, like the scene in which a sun-bathing blonde beauty is perved on by an unknown old man in a sheriff's hat. How exactly this is supposed to advance the shark attacks plot I literally have no idea.

The ending is strangely followed by what looks like someone's home footage of a young woman acting all weird in an aquarium. Like Troy McClure from THE SIMPSONS, lol, who likes to sleep with the fishes for real, heh-heh-heh.

Is this bizarre little bit of extra footage anything at all to do with the film? Maybe, I don't know. It might just be something of the editor's that got in there by mistake. Consider it an extra feature, sure. On the plus side, SHARK EXORCIST does not outstay its welcome and it clocks in at only sixty-seven minutes. I like a film that knows its own limitations.

SHARK EXORCIST is no CITIZEN KANE, but someone somewhere went to the trouble of making it so the least we all can do is give up sixty-seven minutes of our time to watch it. We'll get our reward in heaven, as my mother always says. Offer it up for the souls in purgatory. Does it count as community service, I wonder? I'm trying-a get those goddamn hours down...


Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger, poet and book-and-movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:


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