25 January 2018

COLD MOON. (2016) REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS.




COLD MOON. (2016) BASED ON THE NOVEL 'COLD MOON OVER BABYLON' BY MICHAEL MCDOWELL (THE WRITER OF 'BEETLEJUICE' AND 'THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS.') DIRECTED AND CO-WRITTEN BY GRIFF FURST.
STARRING JOSH STEWART, CHRISTOPHER LLOYD, ROBBIE KAY, FRANK WHALEY, CHESTER RUSHING, TOMMY WISEAU, MARCUS LYLE BROWN, SARA CATHERINE BELLAMY, CANDY CLARK AND RACHELE BROOKE SMITH.
REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

This is a horror story of supernatural vengeance from beyond the grave, set in a sleepy town in the Southern part of 'Murica, but not South America, it's the- ahem- Deep South bit. Is it still okay to call it that? Anyway, you guys know what I mean. It's the part where people say 'y'all have a good day now' and the waitresses offer to 'freshen up your cawfee, sugar.' You know. That part.

I'll give ye my honest opinion here. I found the fillum, as we call 'em here in Ireland, messy and incoherent and downright confusing in places, and I wasn't remotely scared by it, but one's man's poison is another man's meat and all that. You lot might absolutely love it, so let's have a look at the plot and see how things stand. And if ye do love it, ye can tell me to go to hell. But you gotta get in line for that. There's a queue...

Anyway, in the drowsy little town of Babylon (cool name!), a young girl's body is fished out of the local river, just under the bridge where about 99.99% of the town's crimes take place. If everyone in town just avoided the bridge completely, there'd be no need for law enforcement in Babylon. People sure are dumb, though. Keep riding over the old bridge despite indications that it's a dangerous place to be caught frequenting. Tsk, stupid people.

The girl is a local brunette beauty called Margaret Larkin. Sixteen and pregnant (catchy name for a television show, that!) and very, very dead, she's mourned by her brother Jerry and her Granny Evelyn, the proud possessor of the worst and most obvious fright-wig since Norma Bates in Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO. I couldn't take her seriously on account of her grey streaked-and-bobbed barnet. Little things like that can put you off.

So, who killed Margaret? Suspects, please come forward and stay facing front while we get a good look at ye. Could it be Jerry, Margaret's brother, a freckly individual who seems more worried about their failing farm's crop of blueberries than about his deceased and knocked-up sister? Did Jerry knock her up and then bump her off to keep her condition a secret? We don't know yet, but incest isn't exactly unheard of so it's a possibility we can bear in mind. 

Is it the black guy, Walter Perry, a local teacher whom the police suspect immediately as Margaret was known to have been 'helping him out' with work stuff on the very day of her murder? He's certainly acting all shifty, although people do tend to do that when the cops are checking them out. It's a natural human reaction, just like running when you're being chased. There ain't no crime in it no-how, though the cops tend to take a dim view of it, bless their little cotton socks.

Granny Evelyn's money, of which she ironically has very little, is firmly on the town bigwig, Nathan Redfield, as the murderer, although there isn't one shred of evidence to support her claims. Nathan is the head of the town bank, having recently taken over from his wheelchair-bound old man, played by Christopher Lloyd.

Christopher Lloyd has a great future ahead of him in horror films as the Crazy Old Man. He recently co-starred in horror flick I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER, another film which I incidentally just did not 'get.' You either 'get' a film or you don't, and I didn't 'get' either I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER or COLD MOON, I'm afraid. Maybe it's Christopher Lloyd I'm not too keen on, lol. He's the common denominator here, after all.

I mostly remember Christopher Lloyd from 'Noughties American sitcom MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE in which he played Hal's Dad. The Dad was rich and completely unable to talk about his feelings or Hal's in any meaningful way. He used jokes and tickling to avoid Hal's attempts at establishing a rapport and it drove Hal mad. It also drove Hal to desperate measures to get his Dad to listen to him properly. That was a great episode.

Anyway, back to Nathan Redfield. He's exactly the sort of sleazy older guy who might well charm and seduce an innocent virginal little country girl, knock her up and then bump her off to preserve the old and distinguished family name. 

Or just to save himself the trouble of supporting her and the sproglet for eighteen years, whatever. Diapers and baby formula and child psychologists don't come cheap, you know. And neither do the speech and language therapists, the cognitive behavioural therapists and the occupational therapists that the kids of today need in spades. Trust me, I know...!

Nathan's also got a younger brother Ben whom we may also suspect if we wish. We needn't discount the Redfield Dad James (Christopher Lloyd) either, just because he's in a wheelchair. After all, he could be shamming. Trying to hit us with the old sham-eroo, eh? It's happened before in other films, remember.

The local copper's daughter and head cheerleader of the High School, Belinda Hale, also known as Miss Pie, is surely next on the murderer's hit-list. A glamour girl from the crown of her shiny brunette barnet to the tips of her polished tootsie-nails, she's some sort of paid companion-slash-nursie to Old Man Redfield while simultaneously shagging his eldest son and she's obviously allergic to wearing clothes.

Every time we see her, she's clad only in a two-piece bikini or those hotpants they used to call Daisy Dukes. Maybe they still do. In any case, dem purdy tiddies and springy butt cheeks gon' spice up this lame-o film for many a male viewer and maybe that's not a bad thing.

Oh, and there's summat stirring down by the cursed bridge where Margaret's body was found. The killer had, um, better watch out. In fact, the killer, having committed some very unbelievable murders, each time with a different method and while wearing a ridiculous outfit, is seeing some rather unlikely, um, supernatural visions when pissed and driving his car.

Okay, so now you know that the killer is a 'he' and neither a 'she' nor an 'it.' That's not a spoiler, lol. But have his victims returned from the 'other side' to wreak a terrible vengeance on the man who sent them prematurely to the Underworld?

It, um, very much appears to be the case. As I said earlier, the killer had jolly well better watch out for himself. Those computer-generated images can be, um, mildly unsettling, and no-one likes being mildly unsettled, right...?

Okay, so I didn't much care for this one. It happens every once in a while. And no, it is certainly not my time of the month. I'm shocked that that possibility even occurred to you. I am not ruled by my hormones, lol. I just don't like every film that comes my way.

It's no biggie, and that's not to say that you guys won't like it. It's still worth a watch. Which is handy, as it's out now on DVD and Download from the nice peeps at BULLDOG FILM DISTRIBUTION. As I said, you guys might love it and then I'll look pretty silly, won't I? It's a risk I'll have to take, haha. Enjoy the film. And drive carefully. Those pesky CGI's are everywhere these days...

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based novelist, film blogger and movie reviewer. She has studied Creative Writing and Film-Making. She has published a number of e-books on the following topics: horror film reviews, multi-genre film reviews, womens' fiction, erotic fiction, erotic horror fiction and erotic poetry. Several new books are currently in the pipeline. You can browse or buy any of Sandra's books by following the link below straight to her Amazon Author Page:

http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B015GDE5RO

You can contact Sandra at:


http://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com







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